Monday Memories

Some of my favorite memories are of playing in the woods across the street from my house. It had stone walls running through it, which helped us name different parts of the woods. We used to play capture the flag in there, we made bike paths, most of our days were spent playing in there until they decided to build houses in there.

There was Giant Rock, which was a huge boulder that we used to climb on and just hang out. Some of us girls in the neighborhood formed a club and we would hold our meetings there.

There was Safety Tree, which was a tree that looked like a "Y" and was perfect for climbing in especially when you were being chased by your older brothers on their bikes.

There were The Five Pits, which were just that, 4 feet by 4 feet and about 2 feet deep, and scattered all throughout the woods.

There was Pigmy Forest, which was a clump of trees that were so entwined that you had to crouch down real low to walk through them.

If I close my eyes and concentrate I can imagine myself walking along the paths in those woods with my friends, laughing, and being so carefree never imaging that the Happy Memories of those days would make me start to cry right now. Not because I miss my friends( I still talk to most of the people I grew up with), but because it brings me back to a time that can never be replaced. Back before I was forced to grow up and realize life isn't as easy as Hide and Seek and Capture Flag and catching fireflies. Back before I realized life can throw a curve ball at you so fast it can and will hit you and it will hurt, for a lifetime. Maybe today was not the day to try to remember any memories for me, because as I sit here typing and crying and wondering why remembering these memories is hurting so much today I realize it is because 12 years ago on Memorial Day was the last time I saw my oldest brother alive. The last time he would tease me and joke with me as I was venturing into a new chapter of my life with my Fiancee and moving into our new apartment. My brother who I looked up to, he was one of my first heroes, he was talented and smart, funny and handsome, he picked on me like most brothers did, but nobody else was allowed to. And although he had been struggling with alcholism and drug addiction, that last time I saw him he was so happy, so full of life! He was excited because his best friend had called and asked him to be his best man. He made the comment that day that he was going to be in two weddings that summer mine and his friends. He was looking forward to these events.
Then a few days later my world changed forever, the police showed up at my work, and told me my brother was dead, they didn't even let me sit down! He apparantly commited suicide, that is what they ruled it. Although shortly after the shock wore off questions came up, none of which we can ever get answers to. But enough to make us suspect that it wasn't a suicide. So that is why my world changed June 2, 1994 and why even childhood memories that can bring joy can also bring heartache. And I never intented for this post to be about this, but sometimes I just can't help remembering............................